Parenting Help: When Your Child is Afraid to go on Sleep-Overs
Posted by: Dr. Noel Swanson. in FamilyBy and large, children love to go on sleep-overs, whether to camps or other special events for kids. This gives them the opportunity to be with friends day and night. However, some children develop a fear of sleeping away from home. They refuse to go and they miss out on all the fun. If your child is struggling with such a fear, you may find the following tips useful.
First of all, recognize the fact that it is a problem and most probably your child wants to get rid of it even more than you may want. So, ridiculing him by saying things like, ‘don’t be such a baby,’ will only aggravate the problem. This is the time your child needs all your support and understanding. You will need to come up with a well-defined strategy to help your child overcome his fear. You may take help of experts through books or on the internet, if you can’t think of a plan yourself.
As with most fears, the easiest way to work on this is by using a process of gradual desensitization. Often the problem is not just sleeping away from home, but sleeping away from Mom - to the extent that going in her own bed is a challenge!
Whatever the degree of the problem, the process is the same. Identify first what she IS able to do comfortably and confidently. Perhaps she is happy sleeping on the floor next to your bed. Or in her own bed, provided the door is open. Or she can manage a sleep-over with the grandparents, but not with a friend or cousin. Whatever it is, that is your starting point.
It is advisable to talk to your child and encourage him to tell you honestly why he doesn’t want to go on a sleep-over with a friend he likes. If he tells you what kind of a sleep over he won’t mind going to, make a note of it. And, you plan only that kind of a sleep-over for him. If he really has fun on a friend’s birthday party, or going to camp in the summer, he will get over the fear.
Remember, it doesn’t happen in a day. You may have to work backwards from the goal to the present. For example, if you want your child to go to camp for 5 nights, you have to first get him ready to sleep away at the Easter camp for 2 nights. And, for that, you need to prepare him to be able to sleep at his friend’s house for one night. Before he is ready to do that, he needs to be able to sleep in his own room with the door shut…. And so on.
Obviously you will need to tailor this to your own circumstances. Once you have a rough layout for this, then go to the present and look at the very first step. If necessary, break this down even further. Start with what she is currently comfortable with doing, and ask, what is the very first step? It might be as small as moving from the floor next to your bed, to the floor in the hallway just outside your bedroom door.
It helps to talk it out with your child and agree on a starting date. Then think of a way of celebrating success. Make sure you do not set difficult goals. One step at a time is the secret of success. Remember that. Let your child be willing to move from one step to the next. Of course, you may offer rewards to encourage him.
If she fails at a step (eg crawls back into your room from the hallway), just retreat to the previous step, consolidate that a bit longer, increase the rewards, and have another go.
One word of caution: Don’t expect instant results. You should be willing to spend some time with your child to help him work through the steps. But if you have a well-planned strategy, and you implement it slowly and systematically, you will certainly succeed. Be generous with plenty of encouragement and rewards.
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