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“My 5 year old has just started school. Before school she was always polite, caring, helpful. Since going to school, while she still appears to be so with her teachers (so they say), she now really pushes the boundaries at home. Some kids at school have taught her to swear, talk back, talk about sex in very broad terms. She talks back and while fundamentally she is still a wonderful and very smart little girl, her smarts have turned into “smarty-pants”.

You might not sure how I should teach her to make the right choices about right vs. wrong. She has already missed school at the insistence of her 5 year old friend. HOw can you help her when she is not under your watchful eye at school? How do I ensure she will make the right choice on her own?

Hmmm, how indeed? Let’s look at the underlying principles.

Kids in general try hard to do succeed in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a desired result. The problem is that their idea of a desire result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might wish to have their parent’s approval and love. Or they might be out to just have fun.

Whatever their priority need at the time, the behavior they use is their best attempt to meet the need.

They will find that their behaviors don’t always result in success. They learn from this and experiment with other behaviors until they find the ones that yield the desired result. When deciding what behavior to have we rely on experience, direction for our parents, and our skills and abilities. We create a group of behaviors that we hope will serve our needs effectively.

After trial and error we will find the behaviors that meet our needs. We will use these behaviors to get what we want. The more we are successful with a certain behavior, the more we engage in that behavior.

So, your little 5 year old sweetheart is experimenting! Having just arrived at school, her world has opened to a whole new range of possible behaviors that she had never considered before! That’s pretty exciting in itself! Now, she wonders, which of these behaviors will work for me? Which will get me fun, approval, friends, love, food, whatever? So she tries them to see.

Your daughter will probably try a host of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn’t work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter keep? It is contingent upon the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very critical to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.

You have a significant affect on her as her parent. She young so she will listen to you. When she is a teenager things will change. Your influence can show in two ways.

1. How you respond emotionally to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?

2. Your control of external factors. You can decide what school she goes to, and the types of people she will meet at school and in your neighborhood. You can also impose rewards, punishments, and constraints (such as permissions to do or not do activities).

Putting all this together, and taking a strategic overview, these are the types of questions you would want to be asking yourself:

Do you think your daughter is just experimenting with her behaviors and that it will pass? If you do, then don’t worry about it at all as she will move on to better behavior. Kids tend to do mischievous things at this age and still end up to be productive adults.

Bear in mind that if you over-react to things like her swearing that may, in itself, actually make the behavior seems MORE exciting rather than less. Generally, “chilling out” is the better way to go.

If it looks like becoming more serious or more entrenched, then you need to take some sort of action.

At this point you will need to rely on your judgement of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.

Check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who were raised in this neighborhood do when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend their days being in trouble for most of their teenage years?

Take the time to talk with parents and teachers at school. Each school has a culture and perhaps your daughter is trying to fit into this culture. How concerned are the teachers? Does the behavior of most kids at the school improve as they grow up out their phases?

Sadly, you can’t watch over every outside influence in your child’s life. You also can’t be totally sure that your daughter will learn right from wrong. However, you can improve the chances of her success. Your influence is great and you should be a healthy role model for your daughter.